it's all in japanese...

I am writing to you from a computer that has a default language setting of Japanese. It's a strange feeling, not being able to read commands, and yet still know how to navigate a page that has become such a familiar outlet of self-expression.

I am continually amazed at how perfect God's plan is being unfurled before me this summer. First with MontBell, then with the newspaper internship, and now relationships and acquaintances at work that are being shoved into the spotlight... I lose my breath when I realize how deeply God knows me. Through and through, I am a necessary part of this Earth and he hasn't ceased in showing me my value and his love for me.

What started as a seemingly mediocre summer has turned into a phase or era of life that is overflowing with opportunities to learn and dream and grow. Here I thought I wanted so many things, I believed that my path in life was destined for a different, more acceptable course, but no. No, I find myself standing in the middle of my hometown, gazing out into the haze that forms a screen between the Rocky Mountains and my own self, and yet I sense that I have never seen so clearly where I truly belong.

Life is rocky, it changes and moves and there are falls you've never seen coming. And I can't outfit myself with enough self-help books or sturdy hiking boots or all the right foods and exercises. There is no formula to follow for a whole and full life. Isn't that bothersome at times when you have no where to turn, and your on course for a destination that might prove to have no result?

I feel so deeply, it's unbelievable. Everything in life matters, every facet of life has an impact on my mind, soul, body and spirit. I am intense, and some say (with words or actions) that I am hard to handle. I carry the running river of the world with me wherever I go. Memories of the past, dreams of the future, encounters with everyday bullies or extraordinary individuals. I recall the most minute details of times with the ones I love and grieve with mighty force over the ones I've lost.

I don't ask anyone to understand this. I simply hope for the best, hope that I will wake up each morning with perspective and an eagerness to not let the fallen nature of the world bring me down.

Or maybe I do ask. Maybe I ask with every breath I take. There is the chance that I beg, even plead, with my actions to be seen and understood as the person I was designed to be.

From Reno

There are times when I don't feel alive.

Get this. I'm driving down 93 along the mountains and the perfect blue of the sky in the west is making the storm clouds to the east look eerie. I'm nervous. I'm scared.

And I'm trying everything. I'm giving myself pep talks. There's no volume and I'm driving in silence. And I know that this is just a mindset, that this is just something I do to myself. Don't know why. All I know is, I need some perspective.

Life is just life. It's complicated. It's full of anxieties and miscommunications. And sometimes we want to move on, move along, move move move. I yearn for things to change, to change back or forward and always be different. Yet, when I think about how God has blessed me, I come to this solid understanding that I am breathing in air that is meant just for me. I am a piece of God's plan. An honest, true, necessary piece.

We will never know where our feet are headed. We will never fully understand why we walk this earth. We have fallen, we are unclean. How unsettling. The redemption lies in the only solid ground we have, an eternal God, a comforting Father, a magnficent Creator, a faithful Love, a wise Friend.

And so I've got my foot on the gas and the wind is in my hair and I'm a true course. It's scary but it's full. I'm nervous but I'm not alone. Oh, what an earth we live in. Oh, what a God whom we call our savior.

Oh, what peace I have in my heart.
Praise God.

Sweet, sweet love...

A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. ~Charles Peguy

Dusk and Summer

Dashboard had it right. I am smiling like the world is mine.

The clouds look dusty this evening, like they are carrying the dirt off of old cowboys and stories of the Old West. I'm perched here above Niwot, and my view of the Front Range is one unlike any other. The golden sun is fading and falling behind the musty clouds.

And this is what I was made for: wide open spaces and the unending sky.

I am eager to put the first half of the last 12 months far behind me. I'll leave those days to the pages of the history books. And there were nights where I watched the fan circle round and round, and others where I shivered in a flannel comforter in chilly New England. Summers, Winters, Falls and Springs come and gone and now, here I sit, with nothing but the moment before me. There is no use in holding on to the memories that crumble my heart, no point in snooping for dirt that will only soil a nearly perfect storybook-like summer I've already been given.

It's Anne vs. Wild, and I'm building fires and scaling the tallest of trees.
And I'm covered by a blanket of darkness at 2 in the morning, whispering and wishing that time would stretch and wrap itself infinitely around me so that the night would never end.
This is for all those times that I the dial tone rang loudly in my ear, the phone shut off and I rolled over to face Ferrin Field alone.

I'm a reporter. Just call me Lois Lane.
I'm adventurous. Follow me into the wilderness.
I am who I am.

Praise God.

Long time since...

What is summer anyway? I don't necessarily need a definition from Webster. Maybe just a quick glance at my maps--Napa, Washington D.C, Greece, the World and so much more... Where to, Anne Taylor? My imagination is my taxi and summer is my driver. So maybe Summer has a foreign accent? Strange because I've been living this season for 20 years.

Maybe it's a season of goals, of tending to the land, of tending to the color of your skin. Staying alive via Salsa dancing and some cool Pico de Gallo. Going on holiday. Going for a run. Going home.

Time seems to pass by so quickly, and I have been brainstorming ways that I can preserve this holiday for as long as possible. Eliminate my addiction to productivity. Stop crossing off days on the calendar. I think I owe it to myself to let the days of June, July and August fly freely across the weeks of the calendar without having the chains of a line drawn sharply across the number. Squeak, a thick line of ink, bold and bloody. It screams out, "you're done! you're gone to the pages of history books!" I don't want my days to be so bound. I'd rather they dance all over my skin, bronzed or fair, either way.

And I doubt that I've begun to fade away (Anna), no. I am as vibrant as ever! That sweet smell of far-bloomed flowers wafting through the air, circling around me, spinning me to the setting sun, to the wide open spaces, to the open prairie and the scent of wine and barbecue. What a strange time in life, to break from incessant studies and bizarre adventures in college world to return home. I don't want to regain a sense of normality, of reality, of everyday ho-hum, hum-drum life. So much has changed, how would you ever expect this summer to be one of lounging and making my mother do my laundry, of sneaking alcohol into our bellies, fighting our age, sticking it to the man?

On the contrary, Niwot has become even more of a storybook to enjoy and to be fought. My insides groan and long for the taste of youth in my mouth. I am proud to be 19. My last year of being a teenager. I'll keep my last name for years and years. I won't ever marry till I've rid myself of the trashy addiction that is facebook. I'll see the sun from all angles, I'll feel it's warmth slide away from all corners of the earth, and I'll write about it all. I'll greet 20 with open arms, and 21 with thirst! What a laugh! 22, 23, 24, 25.. oh, who knows? Who wants to know?

This summer has such a theme. Don't let go of my youth, don't fade, don't tire... keep dreaming, keep sailing, keep my eyes wandering across the map in search of a new destination.

What a time to shine!