responsibility

As I go to sleep, I pair my jammies with my boyfriend's socks. He knows I stole them. The extra room around my toes reminds me that when we play footsie, his bigger feet represent a male strength of heart that is a part of why I'm attracted to him. I'm taller than my most of the women in my family. I'm like a little mouse in his arms.

What girl wouldn't want to find herself in tears from laughing so hard at a frighteningly scary face a handsome boy makes just to keep her giggling? What girl wouldn't want a dozen roses sent two thousand miles through the mail a day early so as not to miss Valentine's Day?

I'm simply Anna.

Proverbs 31:25-27, 29-30

"25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness...

29 ... "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

---
1 Corinthians 11:11-12

"11 In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 12 For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God."

the bass

This morning I set out on an exciting endeavor: hooking up my subwoofer. The glistening white sub and pair of speakers has been sitting beneath my bed for the entirety of this past school year. There have been attempts at unleashing its audio power, but no successes to date.

It was approximately 10 a.m. and I had an hour left before work. With newly dried hair and an outfit already picked out, I shuffled around my closet...ahem, room looking for something to do. I tap, tap, tapped the volume key on my beloved companion, Mr. MacBook Pro, and sighed when the highest level was insufficient for my listening enjoyment...

Then, as you might imagine, the light was switched on! The amazing subwoofer! The cute little speakers! Epiphany!

Hence, my satisfied ears as I sit here scribbling some words to you.



The countdown has begun. I have one week till I am back on Colorado soil. It has been a short two and a half weeks since I last left, and I must admit, I am a bit bummed about my quick return. Easter Break came too soon, for in a few short weeks, I'll be drowing in exams and preparation for finals, and my mind will be dreaming of the Colorado sunshine that is such a jewel to me. Frankly, I'm shocked at my feelings towards Gordon. Only a few weeks ago, I WAS transferring. There was no questioning for me; I had all but moved into a random DU dorm room and claimed it as my own. I was set on leaving Massachusetts.

God works in mysterious ways, though, for as I stepped out of Jenks Library today onto the smooshed, brown quad, I couldn't help but laugh at how much I feel at home. What changed? Well, the answer is found in one simple word: Maine. Maine changed everything my friends. In actuality, Maine was merely a destination for me and some newly-found friends from the Gordon Rock Gym. We were climbing one Tuesday in February and the question was asked in my general direction: do you want to go to Maine?

Me: Maine? Where in Maine?
Holly: L.L. Bean
Me: When?
Holly: Tomorrow
Me: Oh, I have class till 9pm. (This was said with a sad tone)
Holly: Yeah, I can't go till about 10pm. L.L. Bean is open 24 hours.
(Me thinking: An all night adventure to a state I've never been before, to a store whose catalog I religously get in the mail upon moving to New England, with friends that make me laugh harder than I ever have since moving all the way here?... Hell yes!)
Me: Sure!

The road trip was a blast, as you can imagine. But what the real significant change took place in my heart. I had finally found a family. It was not just the common interests or the jokes we make about slack-lining mishaps, it's the encouragement given. The mentality I stumbled upon is only of encouragement and positive conversation. I've never enjoyed learning more. I have immersed myself in a simple, healthy lifestyle that only breeds confidence. So, maybe it was the rock gym that changed everything. Or the people I've come to know and hold so dear to my heart. But in actuality, it was the God upon who I call above all else, my friend, my confidant, the lover of my soul who knows all my deepest secrets and is devoted to me just the same.

Who would have ever thought that I would make the North Shore of Boston my home? I am just a western girl, who gazed upon the foothills of the Rocky Mountains everyday of her life, who lived a mile high in the sky and said goodnight to fire-blazed sunsets... And yet, I look out at the tall pine's swaying in the strong winds that blow the smell of salt in from the Atlantic, and hear the crusty, nasal accents of the Puritanical New England-er's, I realize this was all made for me. I fit like a lost puzzle piece here. I might be quirky around the edges, but I'm the brightly colored piece you peg for a fit right away.

So, this is what you call life.



"Just live." -Caitlin

a few lines

The Soldier, by Rupert Brook.

If I should die, think only this of me;
That there's some corner of a foriegn field
That is for ever England. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,
A body of England's breathing English air,
Washed by the rivers, blest by the suns of home.

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given,
Her sights and sounds; dreams hapy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.


---


On Having Said Something Cruel, by Daniel Anderson

Imagine Helen on the sun-bright bow
As she was spirited away
Through filaments of rainbow in the spray,
Through lacy counterpanes of foam.
She might have guessed the thrill could never last,
Or that her suitor would not always be
A dashing, doting, love-struck boy.

But who among those mortals could foresee
The bloody decade lost at Troy,
Their swift ship lunging headlong home,
The sea behind them in their sunlit wake
A gold and copper scattering of coins,
Extravagantly spent like so much love
Or all the bastard sons of Priam's loins?

"I hear a rhythm call me, the echo of a grand design..."

Waves of brown strands, flitting and floating... Could this wind be any stronger today? It's chilly, and my arms are covered in goosebumps. I'll give them a good rub up and down to get the blood moving, and then I'll walk on. I find myself here so often, so completely in awe of the power of God, so completely in awe of the grandeur of the ocean. The beach curves in its crescent shape with an enticing beauty. "Walk along my shores," it whispers casually.

With each step, as my heel presses itself into the sand, I'm walking further and further away. I've never known the intimacy of an ocean; I've never known the love of the tides and the salty breezes. The fog that plops down over Cape Ann. The new definition of cold. The prayer between brothers and sisters. The selflessness. The friendships.

This is not a secret message to decode. I don't have the keys to the truth.

O God, open me up to your heart!

"What a relief it is to know that I'm slave to Christ. Of all the masters I have known, I'm compelled to live this life free for you. I'm on the other side of something, I'm on the other side of something. I have a new hope, it blows away the small hopes I knew before. And at the end of the day I am yours. I am compelled. You've written on my very soul where no man can legislate the law of your love that has taken hold with your holiness and grace. There's no mistake...I am drawn and driven, I am compelled. You have written it, I am compelled. You live in me, and I can’t help myself..." Sara Groves, Compelled


When will I stop living for the feeling, and start reaching for the reality?

are you saying money doesn't grow on trees?

My sister and I laugh a lot. We laugh the most when we make up our own jokes. And this is such a joke:

"WHAT?! Money doesn't grow on trees?!"

I am sure that most of you wouldn't understand this joke. You probably need to be there, you probably need to know the lady whose spending habits we were casually commenting on. I would bet, though, that you know one person who has stumbled into their unbelievable wealth, whether it be through their father's oil investments or an inheritance from a random great aunt who favored them above all others. These individuals we speak of are greatly unaware of how hard it is to make a buck in this cold world.

And it is after discussing this phenomena that my sister and I joked about what would happen if they were told money didn't grow on trees. Hence, the reply of shock and surprise.

"WHAT?!"

Chuckle, chuckle. Giggle. Laugh.

Alright readers, collect yourselves. Back to reading...

I'm a college student. I am broke. However, I grew up in a household that is very settled and financially secure. Of course it is a blessing that my father's hard work allows me to live a very free life. In a twisted way, though, this has been somewhat of a burden to me. Now that I am living on my own as a college-attending young adult, I am beginning to understand how hard it is to make money. Quite honestly, I have little to no discipline when it comes to money and its tricky management. I get my paycheck, I spend it.

Some would argue that young people are exactly that: young. There is so much under the sun that they have yet to accomplish, so many lands to explore and adventures to take. This is the time to attempt traveling around Europe on less than $5 a day, am I right? I suppose this is true; my friends and I would all be likely to agree that we feel like we have the world at our feet. But the truth is that the day is just around the corner when we will be working everyday for the rest of our lives, and I believe it's fair to say that this is very daunting. Scary, even.

There are so many questions that I am asking when it comes to money and how in this world will I ever be able to keep myself afloat. A to-do list is in the works. Start building credit. Check. Send out resumes. Check. Acquire excellent references. Check. Invest. Check. Have discipline when shopping at your favorite store. Check. Work hard. Check.

Wow, I think I'm going to have to go play frisbee with my friends and stay up till 3 a.m. video chatting with my boyfriend to rid myself of these scary adult truths. I'm just a college bum. I'm easy breezy.

Hangingaround

"yeah...!"


My room has always sat a little bit above the rest of the world. Overlooking the St. Vrain Valley from the top of the tallest hill in Niwot, I can see thousands of city lights burning for miles. The clouds stretch arms in their gray way down from the north over my house, and they're so close I can almost touch them.

I reach my finger out. Poof, poof...

I've been hangingaround this town for way too long.

This spot that I'm sitting in feels like the epicenter for exciting times. There is a brew boiling within me (a little bit of this, a little bit of that) and stir, stir, stir until it's just the right thickness. John Denver says it best in Poems, Prayers and Promises

"I've been lately thinking about my life's time. All the things that I've done, and how it's been. And I can't help believing in my own mind I know I'm going to hate to see it end. I've seen a lot of sunshine, slept out in the rain. Spent a night or two all on my own... I've had myself some friends. Spent a time or two in my own home. I have to say it now, it's been a good life all in all. It's really fine to have a chance to hang around Lie there by the fire and watch the evening tire, with all my friends... Talk of poems, prayers, and promises and things that we believe in. How to sweet it is to love someone, how right it is to care. How long it's been since yesterday and what about tomorrow, what about our dreams, and all the memories we share? The days they pass so quickly now, the nights are seldom long. The time around me whispers when it's cold. The changes somehow frighten me, still I have to smile. It turns me on to think of growing old. For though the life's been good to me, there's still so much to do. So many things my mind has never known. I'd like to raise a family, I'd like to sail away. Dance across a mountain on the moon. I have to say it now, it's been a good life all in all..."

Night is so dark.

The past week has been the best ever, and yes, I believe it to be worthy of VH1. Colorado sunshine, the warm air, the night breeze. The Rocky Mountains shillouetted along Highway 93 as I drive late at night. Laughter, naps, movies, dinners, and lazy Niwot evenings.

I've never felt more blessed to be 19. There are so many things ahead of me, and yet so many things to be thankful for in my past. Like Johnny D said, it's crazy to think about how long it's been since yesterday and what about tomorrow, what about our dreams, and all the memories we share? The days pass so quickly now, but I'd have to say it's been a good life.

I have to fly on a jetplane tonight back to Boston which feels so much like home. This whole year has been a balancing act between this jewel of a home I find in Colorado and thrilling Boston. I'm finally finding a bit of peace. As I leave for 2 more months, I know I am on the brink of something large, that I am bound to an adventure. But as I stare out my open window, perched atop this hill on the open prairie, I know I'm just a "teenage dirtbag," just a college bum, just a young woman who has been hangingaround this town for way to long.

my country

I daydream more than anyone else I know.

Current daydream:

Miles and miles of blue, with cotton white clouds majestically hanging here and there. The wind blows, it sweeps, it sails right through my hair. Long and curly (neither of which is true in reality), my locks just hang against my plaid button-up without care. I'm wearing classic denim and classic boots, and both are covered in mud. I can't forget the cowboy hat, and the bandanna hanging out of my pocket casually. I am straight out of a cliche Western, modern-day, struggling ranch movie... I've got style.

My horse is quiet. She or he... Let's make this decision together. If the horse is a male, he's noble and calm, but has a violent streak in him. If I ride him in this daydream, I'm extremely skilled and most likely have a rebellious attitude. But if the horse was a female, she would be strong and serene, with speed like no other. I don't need to be dangerous or wild; I only need a sense of freedom. I think that is our answer: the horses is female, and her name is Penelope like Odyseuss' wife.

Because I'm a girl of the West who knows her Greek literature.

And that magnificent animal will gallop across the open prairie with life and a ferocity only felt when the sun rises with grandeur over the mountainscape. You can't help but gasp at it's beauty, how any creature could be so unified with the earth in its step. And somehow, despite a lack of equestrian knowledge, I am sitting on its back. I'm right there with it, racing the wind, challenging the breeze with a smile on my face.


I'd like to think that this dream is welling up from within me because I am from Colorado. And even though I was raised in suburbia and the only pair of cowboy boots I owned were pink at age 4, and that I can count on one hand how many times I've been on a horse's back, I am still from the West.

Sometimes I feel like my surroundings can't contain me, whether that be Massachusetts, glistening Cape Ann, school, dorm, room or maybe even my own skin, this spirit just pushes and tugs to be let out.

My spirit wants to be the girl with the wind in her hair. The spirit of a sweet girl.

recovery

"...the world could be fixed of its prblems if every child understood the necessity of their existence." -dwight d. eisenhower



"But his answer was: "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10